And the Fates Conspired Against Me
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Pt.25 Steve heard the door of his room open and looked up to see his father: "Hi, dad. I'm sorry about this." "Steve, you have nothing to be sorry about." He walked to Steve's bed and sat on the edge. Steve scooted over to give him more room. "We have to talk. I wasn't prepared to talk about this now. I wanted to talk to Dr. Martines a little more to figure out how to tell you." Steve's voice caught, but he continued: "How to tell you that they won, that they got me to believe that you really said those horrible things. I feel so guilty. I don't know how I could have doubted you; I don't know what I was thinking …" Steve was getting nervous and kept up a constant stream of talk. Mark was afraid that hysteria would set in, so he grabbed Steve's arms and shook him: "Steve, calm yourself. You're not making sense. You have so much to say that you don't know where to start. Take a deep breath and listen to me. You have nothing to be sorry for. The fainting spell was absolutely normal given the circumstances. As for the tape, I do understand. Tell me what happened." "Short or long?" "For now, short." "After they got me into the truck bed they cuffed, tied and gagged me. Then they blindfolded me so that I wouldn't know where we were going. When we arrived, they threw me into a room and took off the cuffs, ropes and gag but left the blindfold on. Then they played with me with a gun for awhile." "Steve, what do you mean 'played with you'?" "Whoever had it, cocked it and I'd feel it at my temple, on my chest, anywhere he felt like it. Then they took the blindfold off and left. When they weren't there it was always dark. When they were there the light blinded me and they wore ski masks. I lost all track of time. I don't even know how long they held me." "Two days and fifteen and one-half hours." "They came back and pulled my clothes off. Then they kicked me, beat me, burned me-everything you saw. They would shove bread and water down my throat just to make sure that I stayed alive. Finally I started to hear your voice saying those horrible things. The first time, I was sure it wasn't you, but a tape spliced together. I tried but couldn't hear the splice. Then they would play the tape and work me over at the same time. They did it more than once. It got so bad that I finally succumbed to it. They finally got me to cry out: 'No, no. Dad you can't mean that.'" "Oh, my God. Son, have you been worrying about what you said? Do you feel as though you betrayed me, our relationship?" "Yes." "Steve, don't feel that way. I know that's easy for me to say and hard for you to do. Try, son, try. When I heard that tape, everything that happened in the hospital made sense. Why you flinched away from us, why you wouldn't talk. I think that if I'd had a gun this morning, I'd have walked up to Sutton and put a bullet in his heart." "Dad, you don't mean that. Please tell me that you don't mean that." "Steve, for the first and only time in my life, I do mean it. I think that I could have done it, and I'm glad that I didn't have the chance. It would just take me away from you when you need me. It would also have made me just as evil as he." "Part of me is glad that you think you could have killed him. The bigger part of me is glad that it didn't happen. Dad, how do I get over the guilt feelings? I feel that I should do something to make it up to you, but I don't know what." Mark smiled: "Steve, you don't need to make anything up to me. You just need to continue getting help. Just keep doing what you're doing. What happened after you broke down?" "I guess that's what they were waiting for. There was an electronic voice that said: 'Stay on the Force and see what happens.'" "You were threatened. Is that what caused you to say that you weren't sure you wanted to stay on the Force?" "Yes. Anyway, after that they told me to get dressed, I could manage to get only my shorts on. Then they knocked the wind out of me and I don't remember anything more until I woke up in the ER and saw Jesse. I figured that if you really hated me that much, he and Amanda would, too. I had to wait until I was sure that I had been wrong. That's why it was easier to respond to Charlie." Mark put his hand on Steve's shoulder and said: "I understand." "Do you really?" "Yes, Steve. I was not betrayed." "Dad, what did you find in the room?" "Some blood, a few bread crumbs, the tape and one piece of your clothing. Happily, it was one that I could readily identify. Not too bright, were they?" "People out for revenge never are. They're too caught up in their hatred." Mark noticed that Steve was getting tired and said: "Son, are you getting tired? Would you like me to leave and let you sleep?" "I'm getting tired, but can you stay? Are you on duty?" "No. Jesse, Amanda and Susan will come this evening. Lie back and rest." "I'm supposed to call Dr. Martines after lunch. She wants to talk to me before tonight. Then we meet again tomorrow. Boy, is that meeting going to be different!" "I bet. Can you relax a little, now that they're in custody?" "For now, but I wonder if they'll be out on bail, especially after the arraignment. If they're out on bail, they might bolt. Then they'll come after me again. Then- "Steve, stop. Herrera will get the DA to ask for denial of bail, but whatever happens, happens. You'll be OK. Go to sleep. Shall I ask Jess for a sedative?" "No, I don't want to use those any more. Besides, I don't really need it." Mark reclined Steve's bed and watched him fall asleep; then he sat in a chair next to the bed and waited." *************************************************************** Mark noticed that the clock was about to strike noon when Steve began to stir again. Within five minutes, Steve awoke and spoke: "Hi." "Hi, Steve. Hungry?" "Yes." "I figured as much." The door opened and Mark continued: "Here's your lunch." Steve looked at the tray and commented: "Dining with me?" "Would you mind?" "No." After a quiet lunch Steve spoke again: "Well, I guess it's time to face Dr. Martines. How do I get her office?" "Just dial extension 6912. Steve, would you like me to stay until she gets here, or do you want to think alone?" "I guess I'd better be alone. I have no idea what to say to her." "Don't worry about it. Now, dial the phone." "Yes, sir!" Steve dialed the extension and heard: "Dr. Martines." "Hi, Doctor. This is Steve. Do you still want to talk to me?" "Yes, Steve, I'll be right there." "Well, dad, she's on her way. Do you think I should get up?" "No, Steve, stay in bed. She won't care. I'm going to leave. I'll either be in the ER or the lounge. The ER's extension is 5542 and the lounge's is 5546." "Bye, see you later. Am I really stuck here overnight? I don't feel bad." "Yes. Don't fight it." Mark left the room and Steve was alone for a few minutes. He guessed that he'd better talk about today and his guilt feelings. He could leave the problem of staying on the Force for another time. The door opened and Dr. Martines entered. "Hello, Steve. Did you have a good talk with your father?" "Yes, but I'm still upset. I feel so guilty. Dad says he understands, but I can't help feeling that he's hurt." "Did he say that he's hurt?" "No, but he's my dad. Would he?" "Steve, let's talk a little about your relationship with your dad. I never see any overt sign of affection between you? Are either or both of you of the type that doesn't show affection?" "Dad hugged me when I was a kid; but, since I've grown up, neither of us show affection in public, except by eye contact, or a hand on the shoulder. When we're alone, we've been known to hug. I've always known that he loves me, but that still wouldn't mean that he hasn't been hurt." "True, but what did he tell you?" "He said that he wasn't hurt, that he understood what happened, and how I was driven to give in to emotional torture." "Has he ever lied to you?" "Well, we did have a discussion about storks and cabbage patches when I was about four." Steve laughed and said: "I haven't thought about that in years. No. He has been known to not tell me something, but he's never lied when it was important." Dr. Martines chuckled as well and said: "Storks and cabbage patches, huh? I'll have to have a talk with him about fairy tales." "Then he will kill me?" They both laughed. "Steve, that was good to see. You know that he's never lied when it was important. Isn't what's happened to you important? Isn't your complete recovery his first priority?" "Yes. He's taken time off. He's been around whenever I've needed him. He was here today. He went with Captain Herrera on the raids, and told me earlier that, if he'd had a gun, he thought that he could have put a bullet in Sutton's heart. Dr. Martines, he's spent every waking moment healing people. He is truly distressed at the effects of violence. If he could have pulled that trigger, he must really hate that man." "Hate Sutton or what he did to you?" "For sure, what he did to me, maybe both." "Then I think you have your answer. He's never lied, and he told you he understood and wasn't hurt. Believe him, Steve. Let the guilt fade away. It will. "I wish I knew how Sutton pulled off that tape." "I believe that Captain Herrera has an idea. Your dad is going to get me a copy. I'll have heard it before tomorrow. Do you think that you'll faint again?" "No. How to tell him about that tape and what happened was my really big fear. That's one huge load off me." "You said one. Is there another, and does your dad know what it is?" "Yes to both questions. He's known what it is since the night before I left the hospital. Now he knows why. I don't want to go into that today. I want to talk about it tomorrow. Is that all right with you?" "Yes, Steve." "You know what it is, don't you?" "I think so, but I want you to tell me at your pace. If I put words in your mouth, it won't help. I think that we're finished for today. Rest tonight and spend time with your friends. We'll talk at 9:00 tomorrow." She arose, placed her hand on Steve's shoulder, saying as she did: "Well, at least you won't have to drive in tomorrow. You'll be here." Steve flashed her a glance of mock irritation and said: "Good-bye, Dr. Martines." Steve was alone, but he certainly felt better. He told himself to stop thinking about the guilt, to revel in his friends' care. He picked up the phone and dialed 5542 and heard his father's voice: "Mark Sloan." "Hi, dad. She's gone. Can you come back?" "Be right there." Pt.26 "Gee, dad. You couldn't have gotten here any faster could you?" "Don't be impertinent with your elders. How are you?" "A whole lot better." "Still feel guilty?" "A little, but Dr. Martines had some things to say about that. Come to think of it, she said very little. She just asked questions and let me answer them; after I did, I could accept what you said-that you're not hurt and that you understand." "Good. Let the guilt fade away. If it rears its ugly head, put it out of your mind. Think about something else. In time it won't bother you." "You sound like Dr. Martines." "Steve, guilt is human. It doesn't take psychiatry to figure out how to beat it." Mark had just finished his sentence when he heard the voice of Captain Herrera at the door: "Steve, are you all right? I've been worried all day." "Yes, Captain, I'm fine. I just fainted." "I know that, but why?" "Because dad found out about the tape." "I had an idea earlier about how Sutton pulled that off. It's been confirmed. Mark, do you remember a hospital employee by the name of Bob Reynolds?" "Yes, didn't stay long. Said that he had en emergency back home and had to quit. He was a good employee, though." "He had a family emergency, all right. He's a Sutton cousin. He was here to tape record your voice. When he got enough on tape, he quit. When we went through Gray's records, we found the record for a check to a voice impressionist. We spoke with him and he confirmed that he prepared the tape from a script. We asked him why he didn't report the potential kidnapping of a police officer. He said he thought it was for a charity fund-raiser. It was supposed to be a play. Thin, but the truth. That's why none of us could hear a splice. One of the sons is talking like crazy. Seems he never liked his brother and thinks that Joseph belongs in prison. However, he couldn't defy papa Sutton." Mark spoke: "Jack, can you get a copy of that tape to Dr. Martines today? She wants to hear it before tomorrow." "Sure, I'll have one in her hands before the end of the day. Her office?" "Yes." Then, Mark decided to broach the subject of Steve's fear: "Jack, what's your take on bail?" "No chance." "Are you sure?" "Ninety-nine percent. The DA can make a case for both flight risk and continued danger to Steve. If we're wrong, I have a plan." Steve spoke: "Thanks, Captain. That's been bothering me." "That's understandable. It takes time to come back from what you've been through. The Department can wait, believe me." Herrera looked at his watch and continued: "Well, I've told you everything so far. I actually have tonight off and a date with my wife. Don't worry, Steve, someone is still working on the case." "I'm not worried about that, Captain. Go and have a good time with her." "Good-bye Steve, Mark." Herrera had not been gone for thirty seconds when Charlie Clark blew into Steve's room. "Steve, what happened? Why are you back here? I got home just in time for the press conference about the Suttons. I asked your captain how you were and he said you were back here. Something about a collapse?" "Hi to you too, Charlie. I fainted." "Fainted? You?" "Yes, me. Tell me about Pennsylvania." "That's still a circus. Guilty as charged, and he is, but the cops back there made a few real gaffes. This could have been almost cut and dry, as much as murder can be cut and dry, but for their stupid mistakes. Well, that story is for another day. Tell me about you." "The counseling has been pretty intense. Today, when they raided the Omega branches, dad was there. He and Herrera were in the room where they held me and found a tape. It was dad's voice, or rather an impressionist faking dad's voice, saying the most hateful things about me and encouraging their beatings. It got to me during the abduction and it's part of the reason I responded to you. I don't want to talk about it anymore." "All right, Steve. You're over the fainting spell?" "Yeah, Dr. Travis just wants to keep me here overnight. It's also very handy since I have to see Dr. Martines tomorrow. Charlie, when this is over, we'll talk." "Steve, don't worry about it. I'm just glad that you're OK. I'm still here if you need me. I'd better go; I have a story to finish and a deadline. The final chapter in the Pennsylvania saga." "Good-bye, Charlie." Steve's room closely resembled Grand Central Station that evening. Peter Evans came in to say hi, as did several of the nurses who had cared for him. Finally, Jesse, Amanda and Susan arrived with dinner in hand. Bob's of course, but welcome nonetheless. They didn't talk about the day just passed, or the abduction. After several hours, Amanda had to get home to CJ; Susan left about five minutes after Amanda, since she pulled early shifts the following day. Mark, Jesse and Steve were alone. Steve spoke first: "Dad, you should let Jesse take you home and get some sleep. I know that you have an early shift tomorrow." "Steve, I'm not going to leave you alone." "Dad, please. I'm not going anywhere. I'll rest better if you're home sleeping." "Steve, are you sure?" "Yes. I'd like a little time alone to think about tomorrow. The one big thing that I wanted to talk to Dr. Martines about is out. Now, I have to get into whether I stay on the Force or not. I was really energized by the restaurant while I was there, and the stress level is so low." "Steve, remember, get your head on straight. It might indeed be time for you to leave the Force, but don't make that decision now. I'll leave you to your thinking; I'll bring breakfast tomorrow morning. Sleep well, son." Jesse said: "Bye, Steve." "Bye, Jess." After his father and Jesse left, Steve started to think about the next day's counseling session. He tried to ask himself the questions that Dr. Martines would ask, but couldn't quite get a clear idea of what he wanted to say. He finally fell asleep Pt.27 "Hi. Did you sleep well?" "Yes, Steve. Raise your bed; your breakfast awaits." Steve pressed the control and watched his father open an array of bags. He said: "Dad, what did you do, buy out every coffee shop in LA? Please tell me that your breakfast is in there, too." "It is, but I want you to have some decent nourishment this morning." "This morning? When haven't I had it?" "We won't discuss your eating habits, today; we'll leave that for another time. However, I do remember a run on jelly donuts a few months ago." Then he grinned at his son. "Ha ha. So, what's in the bags? Caffeine? Bagels? Something totally bad for my arteries?" "You're hopeless. Sir, we have for your enjoyment: coffee, bagels, cream cheese, hard-boiled eggs and one huge cinnamon roll. What's your pleasure?" "All of it. What are you going to eat?" Mark looked up in surprise, and then saw the twinkle in Steve's eyes: "Cute." Mark continued in mock irritation: "What to do with this younger generation! No respect for their elders!" He gave Steve a gentle smile and said: "Now, what would you like?" "I'll get what I want. Will you just sit down and eat with me? I want to talk about that trip we agreed to take." "Already? Steve, are you really that far along in your counseling?" "Don't you think that I should be?" "Steve, I wouldn't even try to judge your progress, but it does surprise me, unless you just mean that you want to talk in general." "Well, I did mean that. You're still going, aren't you?" "Steve, of course I'm going. I want a chance to help you relax. I haven't been able to do a whole lot for you during this." "Dad, you're doing more than you realize. You could have let them dump me in a police psych ward until I recovered. Some families would have." "Steve, don't even think that I'd do such a thing! Now, eat." "I am." During the meal, the conversation was filled with plans. Mark found that he hoped Steve really was close to the end of his therapy. He hated to see Steve upset, especially when he couldn't do much about it. After about an hour they were sated, and Steve noticed a sports bag near the door. He inquired: "Dad, what's with the sports bag?" "Change of clothes. Can't have you looking bad for your appointment with Dr. Martines, can we? Now, get up and shower." "Yes, sir," replied Steve, as he snapped off a salute. At about 8:30, Steve emerged from his bathroom looking much refreshed. He inquired again: "Well, Sir, do I pass inspection?" "You'll do. Now tell me how you really are." "Better. The counseling was bad enough. Yesterday, when you found out about that tape, it was almost more than I could take. I had it planned. I had told Dr. Martines about it on Monday, and was going to ask her on Friday how I should bring it up with you. When you walked into the ER and said that you'd heard that tape, I just couldn't deal with it. Now, after talking with you and Dr. Martines, I'm calmer. Today's agenda is certainly different. I guess it's time to deal with the threat, and whether I should leave the Force. Dad, being a police officer is so much a part of my life that I never thought I could do anything else. Now, after the abduction and running the restaurant for several days, leaving the Department for Bob's is an attractive option. As many headaches as there are, the stress level at Bob's is so low. I really don't have any answers." "I know, Son. Maybe we should take that trip before you make a final decision. However, I do think it's a good idea that you start talking with Dr. Martines about it. Steve, have you given any thought to when you're going to talk to Jesse, Amanda and Susan?" "I've been thinking about it. You know, at first I really thought that I'd never see any of you again; that I'd be dead when you found me; that I couldn't say good-bye; after I heard the tape, I was so alone. Then all of you stayed with me, even though I shut you out for those first days. Now that the tape is out, it's pointless to continue with my original plan." "And the original plan was to complete the counseling and have all your decisions made?" "Yes. I thought that if I waited until counseling was over, I could have real answers to all the questions that you'd have. You deserve answers to them, not just guesses and gut feelings. Do you suppose that they would come out this weekend and let me tell them everything as far as I can?" "Son, it's what they want most of all. They want to go through this with you. They backed off because you asked it of them. That was what you said you needed. Shall I tell them?" "No, I'll do it after I my session. Dad, it's about 8:55, I'd better get going. See you later. Dad, thanks for breakfast." "You're welcome." Mark and Steve left the room together, Mark heading for the ER and Steve for Dr. Martines' office. Steve entered to find Eva Jackson at her desk: "Good morning, Ms. Jackson. Is Dr. Martines in yet?" "Yes, Lieutenant. She's waiting for you. Go on in." Steve entered the doctor's office and heard: "Good morning, Steve. Come, sit down." Steve sat and said; "Hi. Well, things certainly are different from what I'd planned for today, tomorrow actually. Funny how life makes a shambles of plans, isn't it?" "Well, it's good to see that you're philosophical about it. I didn't know what to expect." "Which Steve you'd see this morning?" "Yes. Which Steve am I seeing?" "A confused one. There's no point in asking you how to bring up the tape with dad. I guess I might as well get on with talking about one terribly hard decision I have to make." "And that is?" "Whether or not to leave the Department. I have to ask, is it what you thought it was?" "Yes." "You remember that very first day, don't you? When I asked what you'd think of me if I left the Force." "Yes, I do. I thought then that you'd opened the door to your state of mind, and I almost walked through it. I'm glad that I didn't; I would have set your recovery back, not moved it forward. More than any other person I've counseled, you do things in your own way. But they work. Steve, I'd like to talk a little about the tape before we discuss your career." "Why?" "I heard a copy of it last night. I found it worse than you indicated. You do understand that you had a right to feel as you did?" "Yes. I still feel a little guilty that I gave into it." "Steve …" "Wait. I'll probably feel a little guilty for a long time. I know that it wasn't my fault. I know that it was the combination of the physical and mental torture that got to me. I know that you were right to tell me to let the guilt fade, and to think of something else when it came back. Dad said exactly the same thing after you left, but guilt feelings don't automatically disappear. I just know that I have to do what both you and dad have said. I've managed to follow the advice once today. Dad came in this morning with an incredible breakfast for us. While I was getting dressed I had an attack of guilt for doubting dad and my friends, but I got over it. I just stopped and told myself that dad understood, that he would never hold being human against me. I'm working on it." "Good. You do understand what I was trying to say to you, what I started to say just now. You mentioned when we talked that if your dad hated you, so would Amanda and Jesse because they are his protégés. Do you really believe that they would have abandoned you?" "I did when it was happening. They're my friends through dad. Now I know that they'd never do it. They wouldn't have given up until they'd effected a reconciliation. Even if dad tried to make them choose, they wouldn't have; they'd have just kept working on us." "Good, I'm glad to hear that, because you are right. They are your friends, too. I think that you'll be fine. I just wanted to make sure that you understood all of this before we moved on. Now, do you have any thoughts on your present dilemma?" "I told you about the veiled threat. 'Stay on the Force and see what happens.' Coming so close after my breakdown, it weighed on me. Being a cop is pretty much my life, and I never thought that I'd do anything else. I kept thinking, trying to decide. Everything in me doesn't want to give in to the threat. Never let them win, you know." Dr. Martines shook her head yes. "Within a minute, the pervasive fear of living this hell again would hit me. Then I'd think that dad would be happier if I were no longer a cop. He worries about me so much. Sometimes I think that a cop's family has it harder. Ever since the hospital, I've been dreading this decision." "You said that your father knew what it was?" "Yes, he knew in the hospital. The night before I was released, I told dad that I wasn't sure I wanted to stay a cop. He didn't push for an explanation. Then I asked him if we could take a couple of weeks and drive up the coast, that I had things to tell him I couldn't even tell Amanda or Jess. I was thinking of all the things Sutton did to me." "This is still tearing you up inside?" "Yes, but now the Suttons are in custody and it appears that the judge will refuse bail. That removes the threat. In some ways, it makes the decision easier, in some ways, harder. When I returned to the restaurant, I found that it energized me. There's a rhythm to it. Then I discovered that, if I left the Department, I would get rid of a whole lot of stress. Whatever headaches and stress the restaurant brings, they're nothing compared to the stress on the streets. Now I really don't know what to do." "And you'd like a little less stress?" "Yes, is that so wrong?" "Wrong? Hardly. Steve, you put your life at risk ever time you go on duty. You make a wrong move and you or someone else might die. Make another wrong move, and somebody's bringing you up on brutality charges. Do you sometimes feel that no matter what you do it will be wrong?" "Yes. It never stops. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want regular people to go out at night and feel safe. I want regular people in this city not to have to keep weapons. I want people who have been crime victims to get justice. And, believe it or not, I want those falsely accused to be exonerated." "And you still want these things?" "Yes, but I also want to stay on an emotional even keel. Does that make sense?" "Oh, yes. How did you feel about this before the kidnapping?" "I enjoyed owning Bob's. Watching people come in, eat, have a good time." "And being the cop?" "It fulfilled me, more than the restaurant did. Every time I'd see the faces of the murder victim's families when the guilty verdict came in, I knew that I'd made a difference. I'm so torn and I really don't have the answer." "Steve, do you pray?" "Yes. I have been, but if I'm getting answers, I don't see them." "Maybe you're not ready to see them. You're still too full of fear, apprehension and confusion to see them." "I hope you're right. But what do I do about this decision?" "Do you feel a great need to make it today?" "No, but I wonder about the Department. How long will they wait? How much time do I really have?" "Ah. You have as much time as it takes. Are you getting pressure from Herrera?" "No, not at all. He said that the Department can wait. It's just …" "It's just that you're afraid to take too long? You're afraid that if you do, the Chief will make the decision for you?" "Exactly. Boy, you really do know the Department." "Perhaps a little better than you do. The last thing the Chief wants is an officer coming back too soon. The officer won't be sharp and that's deadly. He also doesn't want an officer who is burned out. It's another buzzword, but an apt description. He wants an officer who is sharp and who is still driven to make a difference. That's no easy decision in your case. You're aware that I'll have to conduct a fitness exam if you decide to return. You'll also have to run that gauntlet again." "I know. That's part of the reason I decided to work with you. If we get to that point, I don't have to see another psychiatrist. You'll know me, you'll know the background." He wagged his eyebrows at here and continued: "Of course, you know that you still haven't told me what to do." "And you know that I don't intend to. Right now, I want you to think about all that we've talked about. Keep this session in your mind, and give it serious consideration over the weekend. Have you planned to do anything special?" "Only ask Jesse, Amanda and Susan to come out. It's about time that I told them everything. I told dad that my original plan was to finish counseling and make all the decisions. Then I could give them real answers, instead of 'I don't knows and I can't decides'. It's pointless now and they've endured so much from and with me. They deserve to know." "Are you sure of that?" "Yes." "Then I think it's a good idea. I also think that you've had enough for today. Take care this weekend. When do you want to come back?" "Tuesday morning? We had to close the restaurant because of the raids and we're going to reopen on Monday." "Tuesday at 9:00 is fine. Again, take care. The Dodgers are back with interleague play. Oakland is here." "Is that an order to go like last time?" "No. Just information. Good-bye." "Bye." Pt.28 "Hi, can I come in even though I don't need an autopsy report?" Amanda looked up and, with a twinkle in her eye, replied: "Well, I don't know. You haven't been haunting this place lately. I'm not sure that I should let you in. Then again, this is a public office, so I suppose I don't have any choice." They both laughed and she continued: "Whatcha want?" "To talk to you. I know that I haven't told you guys much, and asked that you believe me when I said that you'd understand. I intended to finish counseling and have a lot of answers for you. I felt that you deserved real answers, and I didn't have any. Still don't, but I'm working on it. Anyway, now that the tape is out, there's no point in holding back. Do you have time to come out this Saturday? I'm asking Jess and Susan, too. If you still want to know, I want to tell you about what happened. How much did dad tell you about the tape he heard?" "Everything. All I want to know is how you held up for so long before succumbing to it?" "Wasn't easy. Will you come?" "Steve, Saturday I'd planned to take CJ to the zoo with Holloway and Jones from the restaurant. I just finished setting it up five minutes before you came in." "Oh." "Steve, would you like me to reschedule the zoo?" "No, CJ's counting on it. May I go with you?" "Sure, but do you really want to?" "Yeah. I do. Maybe after, you can come back to the house and we can talk then?" "Excellent plan, my dear. Ah, the police lieutenant at work!" That caused Steve to shudder, and Amanda jumped up and took hold of his arms. She asked: "Steve, did I hurt you just now? Did I say something wrong?" "No, you'll hear about it tomorrow. I'm not sure that I want to stay on the Force. I haven't been since I was in the hospital." He looked at her and added: "When you said that, I felt kind of like a fraud." "A fraud?" "Yes. I'm not sure whether I'm still capable of being a cop." "Steve, you'll be OK. Meet me at home on Saturday, at 9:00. We'll have a good time. Then we'll go back to the beach. Steve, everything will be all right." "Thanks. Bye. See you Saturday." Steve left Amanda's lab and went to the ER. There he found his father, Jesse and Susan. "Hi, guys," he said. Jesse replied: "Hi, Steve. How was it today?" "Just like always. I have something to ask of you and Susan. Could you come out to the house on Saturday night? It's time that I told you everything, at least everything that I can. The tape is out and there's no point in holding back." Susan and Jesse replied together: "We'll be there." Jesse continued: "Do you need anything?" "Just your continued support and patience." "That you've got," replied Susan. "Thanks, guys. Dad, are you free now?" "No, Steve, I have another five hours on duty." "OK, I'll be in the lounge." "Son, did you want to go home?" "Yeah. I forgot that I didn't have the truck." Mark tossed him his car keys: "Here, Steve. Jesse, can you give me a lift home?" "Sure, Mark. Steve, take care." Steve left and Jesse and Susan looked at Mark, with the obvious question in their eyes. Susan finally asked it: "Mark, what's happened? I'm glad he's going to tell us, but what brought it on?" "Susan, he had a grand plan for this. He'd go through therapy and make some key decisions. Then, when he talked to us, he'd be calm and steady, and have answers. When I found the tape, he decided that there's no longer any point to keeping us in the dark. He doesn't have answers, but he feels it's time." Just then four ambulances came screaming up to the ER entrance. They turned toward each other, sighed and started the triage operation. Never a dull moment! ********************************************************* Meanwhile, Steve arrived home. He found a message on his machine from Charlie Clark, so he picked up the phone and dialed Clark's number. At Charlie's answer, Steve said: "Hi, Charlie. What's up?" "Just calling to see how you are." "A lot better. I sort of see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not one hundred percent and there are still some decisions to make, but I feel much better. Charlie, I really want to thank you. If you had said 'no' to dad when he asked you to help, I really don't know what would have happened. I owe you one." Clark laughed into the phone: "Remember that the next time you give a press conference and I grill you." "I will." "Steve, I was kidding. You won't give me any more information than is legal, and you know it. Can I give my readers an update on your condition?" "They're still asking?" "Yes. I told you that they were concerned. What can I tell them?" "You can tell them that the physical injuries are healed, and that I'm still in counseling. Also, tell them 'Thank you.' To know that they still care means more to me than you know." "OK, Steve. Bye." "Bye." After hanging up, Steve retrieved a snack from the fridge and went downstairs. He had some heavy thinking to do. He spent some time munching and trying to decide his future. Finally, he told himself: "Sloan, you cannot decide this in one day. You're being torn in two. Part of you wants to stay a cop and part wants to opt for the restaurant. Just take it slow and maybe you'll get some sort of answer." He picked up a novel and started to read. After a page or two he looked heavenward and said: "If you're listening, help me. I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to think at this point. And please, let me recognize the answer. Thanks." He went back to his novel and didn't stop reading until he heard his father get home. He arose and went upstairs: "Hi dad." "Hi, Steve. You all right?" "Like always. You up for a quick dinner at Pepe's and a movie? I thought we could go to that new eight-screen theater. Surely something there will pique our interest." "Good idea. I'll change and we'll go. Jesse and Susan are relieved that you can finally talk to them. What about Amanda?" "I saw her before I came to the ER. It's Saturday night because she promised to take CJ to the zoo in the morning. She made that date with Holloway's kids when she met them. I decided to go, too. Would you mind?" "Of course not. It will give me a chance to get dinner. Steve, we never had the chance to celebrate the arrest of the Suttons. Shall we do it Saturday?" "Yeah, why not. What do you think of that salmon in crust that you made when I came home from the hospital?" "Fine with me. One rerun dinner, coming up. Let's go." They had dinner and then saw another formula film at the theater. When they returned home it was time for bed. ********************************************************* Friday morning was much like any other morning. Steve and Mark breakfasted together and Mark left for the hospital. As Steve was clearing the table, he heard a knock on the door. He had a moment of panic. What if there was someone that they missed? No, he wouldn't panic. How he wished he had his gun! Maybe he should pull out the one from Vietnam. Well, if this were trouble, it was too late now. He went to the door and was relieved to find Captain Herrera outside. He opened it and, as he showed Herrera upstairs, inquired: "Hello, Captain. What brings you here?" "The Suttons' arraignment is today. The DA will request no bail, and he thinks he'll get it." "Which assistant DA is it?" "John Spencer." "Wow! They're serious about this, aren't they?" "You bet. If the Suttons plead 'not guilty,' Spencer will nail them at trial. The blood test came back-it was yours. That, the tape, and your dad's ID of your clothing should do it. Also, the voice impressionist will testify for the State. He can't say that he knew what would happen, but he can prove that Sutton had the tape made." Who's the defense attorney?" "Not Rogers from the Adams case. He was the first person the Suttons called and he laughed. Even though he said he wouldn't touch it, I wasn't sure. He meant it. Oberman took the case. Someone had to, although I understand he was suggesting a guilty plea. Don't know for sure, though." "Oberman hates me." "No, he doesn't. He just hates that you're right and can nail his clients. He told me that, if ever a case stuck, he hoped it was this one. You know that he has to try to poke holes in it." "Yeah. Whatever happened with the Adams case?" "The DA finally had to ask for a dismissal." "I figured. Sorry about that." "Don't you ever apologize for that." "Yes, sir. I'll stay home today. Call me when it's over?" "You bet. Take care, Steve." Herrera left. Steve decided to spend some time on the beach. He changed and grabbed one of the inner tubes. He reached the water's edge and decided to swim. He waded into the surf and started a leisurely crawl. The water felt good, no more stinging. He spent a good fifteen minutes in the surf. Then, after slathering some more sun block on his arms and back, he decided to float in the Pacific. He kept thinking about his conversation with Dr. Martines the previous day. He reviewed his career on the Force, and found that he was still drawn to the Department, to remain a cop. He wondered if that were his answer. Ten minutes later, after reviewing the delights and headaches of the restaurant business, he found himself drawn to that. He realized that he hadn't yet received his answer. After about thirty minutes of floating, Steve got out of the water and walked the beach. Now and then he'd stop to talk to a neighbor or a lifeguard or a surfer. After about an hour of walking, he returned home. He locked the house and grabbed a snack. After lunch, he fell asleep. At about 3:00, he awoke to the ring of the telephone. He answered and heard: "Hi, Steve. Herrera here." "Oh, hi. I just woke up. I take it the arraignment has just ended?" "Yes. Not guilty pleas all around. As one would expect, Oberman requested bail." "What did the judge say? And who is it?" "It's Judge Peters. No bail, Steve. Oberman just started to talk when Peters interrupted. He said: 'Mr. Oberman, we can dispense with your usual rhetoric; your clients are bound over for trial. They are a clear flight risk and a continued danger to Lt. Sloan.' Old man Sutton started to object, but Oberman shut him up. They're now sitting in County, waiting for trial." "Good, that was bothering me a lot. You know, little by little, things are beginning to look up. Thanks for calling, Captain." "You're quite welcome, Steve. It gives me great pleasure to have that scum still locked up. Good-bye." "Good-bye, Captain." Steve arose and went upstairs to start dinner. His father would be home in a few hours and he wanted to have something special ready. By the time he finished cooking, Mark was coming in the door. He looked up and greeted him: "Hi, dad. Captain Herrera called. The Suttons' arraignment was this afternoon. No bail. They're sitting down in County now. I sure feel better." "That makes two of us, son. What do I smell?" "Meat loaf, potatoes and green beans. I felt like comfort food tonight." "Yeah, I understand." "Dad, if we eat now, we might make the Dodgers game. It's interleague play with Oakland. Want to go?" "Why not? Another prescription from Elena?" "No. She just told me about it. I could use a crowd." He and his father finished dinner and left for Chavez Ravine. They bought general admission tickets and enjoyed a great evening. The Dodger pitcher threw the last pitch of the game and his center fielder caught the fly. Game over. Dodgers, 5; Oakland, 3. They returned home and retired for the night. Pt.29 "Steve, what's wrong with the restaurant? We went for dinner but noticed it's closed." Steve walked back to Holloway and answered: "John, it's closed because the cops located the people who kidnapped me. They were going to raid and we were afraid that, if someone got away, he might go after Bob's. We couldn't take the chance of someone getting hurt. We'll reopen on Monday." "Oh, good. I heard about the arraignment. Glad they're still in jail. Good-bye, again." "Bye, John, Judd." On the way home, Amanda stopped for ice cream cones. When they reached Amanda's, Steve switched to his truck; Amanda followed in her car, and they headed for the beach. They arrived just as Jesse and Susan pulled into the driveway. They entered together and Jesse said: "So, Steve, how was the zoo?" "Very nice, thank you. It was a good day. Dad, is dinner ready?" "Not for about another half-hour, but I have iced tea." Everybody congregated on the deck, helping themselves to tea and snacks. Finally, Susan could stand it no longer and asked: "Steve, when do we hear?" "Susan, I thought after dinner. It's not long away. This night is also part celebration because Herrera caught the Suttons. Let's celebrate first; then I'll tell you everything." "OK, Steve." During dinner they spoke of their adventures since they had met-the good and the bad. Finally they finished dessert, cleaned up and adjourned to the living room. Steve sat on the couch, took a deep breath and said: "Where would you like me to start?" Jesse replied: "Steve, start at the beginning." He did and told them all. When he finished his narrative, Amanda got up and walked over to him. She touched his arm and, with tears in her eyes, said: "Steve, now we understand. We understand everything. We also understand why you didn't want to talk about it until you'd finished counseling, but we're glad that you chose now to confide in us. We're still here. Come to us and we'll help." "I wish that you could, Amanda. Now I have to make the most important decision of my life: Do I remain a cop, or do I leave the Force and run Bob's permanently?" Jesse spoke: "Steve, have you any idea what you want to do?" "That's the trouble, Jess, I have too many. If I review my career as a cop, I want to stay on the Force. If I think about the enjoyment Bob's has given me lately, I'd just as soon stay there. I'm still too confused to make a decision. I'll take any advice that you might want to give. Dad and I are going to take two weeks and drive up the coast. Maybe I'll know when I get back. I have at least one more appointment with Dr. Martines for counseling. If I decide to stay on the Force, she'll have to give me a fitness exam and I'll have to run that gauntlet of fake gunmen and civilians again. I hate that thing, but it's a good indicator of a cop's mental state." They talked until the clock struck 9:00 p.m. Amanda, Jesse and Susan left. Mark and Steve cleaned up and went to their respective rooms. So ended a pretty good day. ************************************************* Mark and Steve awoke Sunday and decided to spend the day away from the house. They went to another baseball game and watched the Dodgers clobber the As. After dinner at Luigi's, they returned home. Steve spent the rest of the evening thinking about his dilemma. Could he ever make a decision? Would he ever reach the point where he was not too frightened, apprehensive or confused to recognize the obvious? He guessed that he would reach that point, but not soon. He raided the refrigerator for a snack at the exact time his father did. They talked and then retired. ************************************************* Monday, July 29th, started early. Steve was up and at the restaurant by 5:00 a.m. because Bob's opened for breakfast at 6:00. As he flipped on the grill to bring it up to temperature, Marty came in. "Good morning, boss. How was your trip?" "OK." "Steve, closing the restaurant didn't have anything to do with taking a few days off, did it?" "How did you know?" "I caught on Wednesday night. I was watching the news when the report came on about your kidnappers. The reporter talked about the raid, and why the Department was so tight-lipped about it. You guys were afraid that someone would get away and come after the restaurant, weren't you?" "Yes. It was also possible that they would come after me again. I was waiting at the hospital under guard. We thought the best thing to do was to shut down, but we needed a believable excuse; it did give you and the rest of the staff some much needed time off." "That's true. I'm just glad that it's over. Here, let me deal with that stove and grill. You go get the tables ready. Kevin arrived at 5:30. As he entered he heard: "Hi, Kevin. I'm glad that you came back. Do you know if we lost anyone because of the time off?" "Hardly. Those checks were more than enough for all of us. We all had a good time on Wednesday, until we heard the news. So, protecting us again, huh?" "Yes, it was the only thing that we could do. Well, let's get to it; then we can see if the customers come back." Steve brought up the lights and lifted the shades at 5:55. At 6:00, the first customers came in-John Holloway and Judd Jones. "Hi, Steve. Glad to see that you're back in business." "Thanks, but what the heck are you two doing here?" "We have some work to do out this way, so we thought we'd stop in. Two of your breakfast specials, please." "Coming right up." Steve's customers returned in droves, each inquiring about the arrest and his condition. So it went throughout the day. Mark, Jesse, Amanda and Susan came in about 5:00 p.m. to formally celebrate the reopening of BBQ Bob's. Amanda gave Steve a quick hug and said: "Hi. How was business, today?" "Business was great! We didn't lose a customer, or a server for that matter. They all had a good rest. So, what is our pleasure this evening?" "Mixed grill for everybody." "Ah," said Steve, eyes twinkling, "can't make up our minds?" Mark answered: "No, we can't, smart aleck." They all ate heartily. After dinner, Steve decided that he needed some air, and Mark decided to accompany him. As they were talking, they noticed an elderly woman at the bus stop; suddenly, a young punk pushed her down and took her purse." "Dad," said Steve, "see to her. I'm gonna get this creep." Steve took off faster than Mark had seen him run in some time. He caught up with the thief half a block later. He called but the kid wouldn't stop, forcing Steve to tackle him. After he had him down, Steve said: "You're under arrest, creep. You just picked the wrong purse to steal. I'm Lt. Steve Sloan, LAPD." Steve automatically reached for his handcuffs, and found that he didn't have them. Then he remembered that he was on leave. The kid struggled and said: "Hey, I've seen your picture on TV. You're not a cop anymore. You can't arrest me." "I'm still a cop; I'm just on leave. And, punk, I have a little bad news for you; I can arrest you. It's called a citizen's arrest." Just then a patrol unit pulled up to the curb and Steve said: "Settle down. Here's your ride, now. Hi, Adler, Smith. Our friend, here, stole a lady's purse and even had to push her down. Dad's with her. Take him. I'm the witness." He turned back to the thief and said: "You lose." He picked up the purse and walked back to Bob's. He entered and found Mark comforting the victim. Steve inquired: "Dad, is she all right?" "Steve, she twisted an ankle when she fell, but I don't think it's broken. An ambulance is on the way. Did you get him?" "Yeah, Adler and Smith are transporting." He turned to the victim and said: "Ma'am, I'm Lt. Steve Sloan, LAPD. May I please have your name for the report?" "Lieutenant, I'm Judith Howard. I didn't get a good look. I won't be able to identify the thief. What if he comes after me?" "He won't. You don't have to ID him, I already have. My father and I saw him grab your purse. I'm your witness. Is there anyone we can call?" "Your father already has. My son will meet me at the hospital." "I'll go with her, dad. See you there." The ambulance stopped outside the restaurant and the paramedics entered. In short order, they had Mrs. Howard on a gurney and in the ambulance. Steve climbed in the back with her and held her hand. On the way to the hospital, Mrs. Howard spoke: "Lieutenant, you look familiar. Have we every met?" "No, Mrs. Howard, we haven't, but you might have seen my picture in the paper or on TV." "Now I remember, you're the young officer who was kidnapped. I've been following the information in Charlie Clark's column. He said that your physical injuries are healed, but that you are still in some emotional distress." "Yes, that's true. My father, a friend and I own BBQ Bob's. Do you feel all right?" "My ankle hurts and I'm still shaky, but otherwise, I'm OK. Thank you for getting my purse back." "You're most welcome. Rest, now. My father will meet us at the hospital and take care of you. In fact, he's right behind us." The ambulance stopped at the ER entrance to Community General and Mark drove into the parking garage. Steve and the paramedics took Mrs. Howard into the hospital and into an exam bay. An ER nurse took the chart from the paramedics and started to remove Mrs. Howard's shoes and stockings. Steve stayed near the exam area until he saw his father come into the hospital. Mark spoke first: "Steve, how did she do on the ride here?" "Fine. She's a follower of Charlie Clark's column and recognized me. Let me know what happens in the exam; it'll make a difference in the charges." "Certainly, Steve." Mark went to examine Mrs. Howard and was with her for some time. The X-rays showed no broken bones, but did reveal a severe sprain. After leaving instructions to send her son to her room, Mark and Steve accompanied her to Room 442, where they waited with her until her son arrived. Allen Howard came in about ten minutes later and said: "Dr. Mark Sloan? The ER said that my mother is here, Judith Howard? I'm her son, Allen. How is she?" "Come in, Mr. Howard. She has a severe sprain and will need care for some time. I want her here for a few days. After she is released, she shouldn't live alone for awhile. Is there someplace that she can go?" "My home. My wife is preparing now. Does she really need to be here?" "Yes, she does. She was standing at a bus stop when a punk stole her purse and pushed her down." "I don't suppose that he was caught." "Yes, my son caught him. The stop is just outside our restaurant. He's over there beside her bed." Howard continued: "Wait. You're telling me that someone who owns a restaurant chased down and caught a purse snatcher? I didn't think people did those things any more. He must be incredibly community-minded." "He is community-minded, but he's also a police officer." "Now I'm even more confused: he's a police officer, you're a doctor and you own the restaurant." "Actually, we have another partner. He's a doctor, too." "Sloan, Sloan. Is your son Steve Sloan, the officer who was kidnapped?" "Yes, he is. Why don't you see your mother now? I'll come back tomorrow to check on her." Mark turned to Steve and said: "Steve, let's go. Mrs. Howard's son is here. Steve, this is Allen Howard." "I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Howard. She's quite a lady." "That she is. Thank you for catching the creep. What happens now?" "He goes to jail, but he'll probably get out on bail until the trial. I'm the witness and if he has any kind of rap sheet, he'll do some time. Would you tell her 'hi' for me when she wakes up?" "I'd be glad to. When I was speaking with your father, I realized who you are. I hope that you're feeling better." "I am, thank you. Good-bye." Mark and Steve left the room and waited for the elevator. Mark turned to him and said: "Steve, you took off after that kid like a bat out of hell. What got into you? You know you're on leave." "I didn't think, dad, I just reacted. I saw a crime and …" "And you're a cop. Steve, you haven't reacted that instinctively since before the abduction. Think about that." As they exited the elevator, Steve noticed the hospital chapel. He turned to his father and said: "Dad, I think I'll stop in here for awhile. It seems a quiet place. Will you wait for me?" "Sure, I'll be in the ER." Steve entered the chapel and sat down. He contemplated the events of the day and realized that he *had* acted instinctively that evening. He looked up and thought: "I believe that you just gave me my answer. Thanks for letting me recognize it." He rose and went to the ER in search of his father. They left the hospital and headed home. "Dad, what about Bob's?" "I called Jess while you were in the chapel. He and Amanda will close up. Now, are you going to tell me, or do I have to guess?" "Tell you what?" "Steve, ..." "OK, OK, you're right, I just got the answer I was looking for. I wonder how long it's been right in front of my face." "Probably for a little while. You were finally able to see it. So, being a restauranteur is still a sideline, huh?" "Yep. When did you know it?" "When you took off after the purse snatcher." "Were you hoping that I'd quit?" "I'd certainly rest easier if you were a rib joint owner and no longer a cop, but you wouldn't. You wouldn't really be content and, ultimately, neither would I. A cop is what you are, Steve; it's what you are." "Yeah, it's what I am." Mark entered his drive and parked in front of the door. When they reached their living room, Steve picked up the phone and called the restaurant and heard Jesse's voice answer: "BBQ Bob's." "Hi, Jess, it's Steve. Is Amanda still there?" "Yes, just a minute, I'll put you on the speaker. Where are you?" "Home. I got my answer. I guess that I'm still a part-time restauranteur." "Thought so. We saw how you took off after that kid." "Steve," said Amanda, "I'm glad that you have your answer. Sleep well tonight." "I will. Thanks, guys. See you for lunch after my appointment?" Jesse replied: "Sure, Luigi's. It's on me. Bye." Steve hung up and turned to his father. Mark gave him a gentle smile and said: "Steve, I believe that you've come home. Sleep well." With that, they retired for the night. As Steve climbed into bed, he breathed a sigh of relief and thought to himself: "I know, at last I know." Pt.30 "Son, did you sleep well?" "Yes, dad, I did. It's funny but I thought I was sleeping well before. Last night, though, I was comfortable and relaxed. Have you ever had two problems weighing on you simultaneously, each one so heavy that it alone would wear you down?" "Yes, Steve, I have. It's not pleasant but, in my case, the problems were external. They didn't strike at my very soul. Yesterday afternoon, when I realized that you would stay a cop, I found myself at ease." "But you would rest easier if I left the Force." "Yes, but your needs and wishes are what matter. I can't make you into someone you are not just because I feel better." "Dad, did you ever want me to become a doctor?" "Steve, every father wants his son to follow in his career. That is natural. However, we parents know that our children can't always be what we want. If we are honest, what we really want is for them to be happy and content. I learned long ago that your happiness lies in police work. Someday, when you can no longer contribute, you will leave the Force, but until that time, you are a cop, and the Department is where you belong." "Thanks, dad. I wonder what Dr. Martines will say when she finds out what happened." "Shall we go find out?" "Oh, is it that time already?" "Yep. As they say: 'Move it, Sloan.'" They left for the hospital, Steve in the truck and Mark in his car, and arrived at 8:30. They went into the lounge and grabbed some coffee. At 8:55 Steve started for Dr. Martines' office and Mark went on duty. As Steve entered, he saw Dr. Martines speaking with Eva Jackson. He said: "Good morning, Dr. Martines; how are you?" "Fine, Steve. I see that you are back in form. Tell me about it." They went into her office and Steve inquired: "What do you mean 'back in form?'" "Steve, you made the crime page. Someone thought that it would be a good human-interest story. The reporter was at the station for another case when Adler and Smith brought in your purse snatcher. Here." She handed Steve a morning paper and gave him time to read the short article. He responded: "Well, at least they didn't make a big deal out of it. We'd all just finished dinner at Bob's, and dad and I stepped out for some air. We started to talk when we noticed a young punk snatch an elderly woman's purse and push her down. I chased him and caught up with him about half a block away. He wouldn't stop so I had to tackle him. I reached for my cuffs and realized that I didn't have them. He recognized me and started mouthing off about how I was no longer a cop, and couldn't arrest him. I was forced to remind him of a little thing called a citizen's arrest. At that point, Adler and Smith drove up and took him in. I'm the witness. When I got back to Bob's with the purse, dad told me that the woman was injured. I went with her to the hospital and dad followed. She has a severely sprained ankle and will need care. After her son arrived, we left and started back to the ER. While we were talking, dad mentioned that I'd acted on instinct, and I realized that he was right. It had been an automatic reaction. If I were still acting that instinctively, remaining a cop must be the answer. That night I slept better than usual, because I was not only happy but also content. As dad said: 'Steve, you've just been given your answer, and you were finally ready to recognize it.'" "Steve, are you really comfortable with this?" "Yes, do you think that it's too soon for me to know? Are you worried that I'm not ready?" "No, no. I told you, there is no time line on this. I just want you to be sure that you're not on such a high from nabbing the little twit, that you're mistaking the high for the answer." "I'm not. I went into the hospital chapel and felt real peace." Steve arose and went to the window again. He turned and said: "Dr. Martines, I've been so scared ever since the Suttons nabbed me. Scared that I would never be able to trust again. Scared that I would never be able to talk to my dad and my friends again. Scared that dad really hated me. But, you know, however scared I was about those things, the one truly terrifying feeling was that I'd never come back from this, that I'd never be able to sort all this out, that I'd never be able to really know what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life. I don't want you to think that I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow. I don't know that I won't wake up tonight, screaming from a flashback nightmare. I do know that I am well on the road to coming back from the hell I've been through; I know that the day Herrera hands me my badge and gun will be the day that I come home, for lack of a better term." "I don't know; I rather like the term coming home. It paints a picture of peace, love and contentment." "Dr. Martines, when do you have to conduct the mental evaluation so that I can return to work? Does it have to be now?" "I have to conduct it before you return to work, certainly. Why?" "I was hoping that you could do it after dad and I get back from a trip. We want to take two weeks and drive up the coast, stopping where we will. Eventually, we'll end up in Portland to visit my sister, Carol. She doesn't know about this because she's been in Europe. I want to tell her, so that she doesn't find out from someone else. We'd been estranged for a very long time until a couple of years ago, and I don't want that to ever happen again. I also think that I will be ready to resume my duties then. I expect to relax, to slough off the fear and dread that I've been living with. I expect to be back on an emotional even keel, so to speak." "Steve, I think that would be a great idea. We'll conduct the exam upon your return. By the way, I think that your assessment of your mental state is correct. You know yourself better than anyone I have ever met. Just like anyone else, you are susceptible to human fears, but you seem to have a sixth sense about knowing when you are close to healing." "My I ask you something?" "Of course. What is it?" "When you work with people, do you like it better when they need you to tell them how they feel, how they think, when they are OK again?" "No, because I never tell anyone that. That just causes them to say that they're OK, or not feeling well, because they think that's what I want to hear. They have to work through their fears. I can't cure them; I can only help them find their way. I treat them by giving them what they need." "Then you don't feel that I didn't want your help? That I'm saying I'm better just to get out of this." "No. If I thought that, you'd hear about it. Is there anything else that you want to talk about, or would you like to call it a day?" I'd like to call it a day. I have to speak with Captain Herrera. I'm hoping that dad and I will leave tomorrow. May I call you when I return? I'd like to have at least one appointment to talk in general about how I'm doing, before you conduct the exam." "Steve, I would be delighted to talk with you. Go, and have a good time." "Bye, Dr. Martines. Thank you. Thank you for nudging, prodding and believing in me, when I didn't." "That, my dear, was a pleasure. Now, go." Steve left Dr. Martines' office and went in search of his father and his friends. He found them in the ER. He spoke: "Hi, guys. Let's go, I'm starved." Mark replied: "Steve, are you all right? You look considerably better." "I feel better. Dad, would it be possible to leave tomorrow?" "Yes, but are you ready?" "Yes. I'm also very eager. I think that I need this break. Dr. Martines and I have agreed to talk when we return. Then she'll conduct the fitness exam. Then, maybe I can get back to my normal life." "OK, son. I'll confirm Dr. Andrews as my cover this afternoon. I'd told him to stand by, that I could leave at any time." After lunch at Luigi's, Steve went to talk with Captain Herrera. Upon entering his office, Steve said: "Good afternoon, Captain." Herrera smiled his pleasure and replied: "Hello, Steve. Good to see you. Are you here to pass the time, or to give me news?" "To give you news. I've decided that I still belong on the Force, that I should remain a cop. I hope that you feel as good about that as I do." "Steve, it is the news that I've been hoping for. When do you expect to return?" "Not for at least another two weeks. Dad and I are driving up the coast. I need a break from this." "When did you decide that you're still called to police work?" "Yesterday, after I caught the purse snatcher. Chasing him was such an instinctive, automatic reaction. It wasn't until I reached for my cuffs that I realized I was on leave. I finally recognized an answer that I'd been seeking. Dr. Martines and I are going to talk after I return. If I feel right, she'll conduct the fitness exam. Do you agree?" "Yes, Steve. I think it's a good idea that you get away, and I'm glad that you won't be alone. Call me when you're back. Good luck." "Bye, Captain." Steve passed a little time with his friends and colleagues before returning home. He was packing when he heard his father come in. Mark called: "Hi, Steve, where are you?" "Downstairs packing. I'll be right there." He almost ran up the staircase and into his father, before stopping to ask: "What is it?" "Nothing, son. I just want you to know that Andrews is agreeable and we'll leave tomorrow. 9:00 OK?" "Yes. I can't wait. I need this break." "Steve, I know that you do. I do too. I talked to Carol this morning. She'll be looking for us. She guessed that there had been trouble." "How much did you tell her?" "That you had been kidnapped, but were pretty much recovered. I told her that we'd tell her everything when we arrived." "Steve, it's time we got some rest. Good night, son. Sleep well." "Good night, dad. I will." ************************************************* On Wednesday, July 31st, Steve and Mark pulled out of their drive and headed north on the PCH. They took their time and enjoyed the scenery, stopping whenever they liked. After two days, they reached San Francisco, and spent three days there. They reached Portland on Wednesday, August 7th, and spent a four days with Carol. They headed south on Interstate 5, and arrived in Malibu on Wednesday, August 14th. Thursday, August 15th, Steve called Dr. Martines' office: "Good morning, this is Steve Sloan. I told Dr. Martines that I would check in with her when I returned from my trip. Does she have an open appointment this week?" "Good morning, Lieutenant. She's been looking forward to hearing from you. She has an appointment tomorrow at 9:00. Would you like it?" "Yes, I would. Thanks much." "You're welcome. By the way, welcome home." "Thanks." Steve spent Thursday at the restaurant. He noticed that it still energized him, but he was no longer drawn to it. He no longer dreaded remaining on the Force. He had been right. His answer was confirmed. **************************************************** Friday morning, he entered Dr. Martines' outer office at 8:55. Ms. Jackson told him to go in, that Dr. Martines was awaiting him. He entered and heard: "Hi, Steve. Welcome back. It's good to see you." "Hi, Doctor. It's good to be back." "Was the trip all that you hoped it would be?" "Yes, and more. I had nightmares the first couple of days, but none since. The trip was relaxing and I had a great visit with my sister. I spent yesterday at the restaurant and found that it still energized me, but I'm no longer drawn to it. It's still a nice change from the Force, but it's not what I want permanently." "Then you feel as you did before you left. Remaining on the Force is what you want." "Yes. I am very content with that decision." "Steve, now that you are sure, I can tell you that I am pleased. I had hoped that you would remain a cop, but you had to come to that decision on your own. The next step is the fitness exam. Next week?" "Yes, I find that I'm eager to return to duty." "Good, Tuesday morning, 9:00. Here. Do you have anything else that you want to say?" "Just thank you, again. I never would have made it back without you. When this first started, dad said that I had to do all the work on this one. He couldn't help; he could only be 'dad.' I couldn't have worked with a Department doctor, because I was way too upset, hurt and confused. I needed a doctor with a foot in both worlds, so to speak. You were there, and I am grateful." Steve left the office and headed for Charlie Clark's newspaper. Steve was lucky and found him in. As he walked up to Clark, he said: "Hi, Clark. Loafing on the job again?" Clark looked up and said: "Well, well. Sloan, you are a sight for sore eyes. How are you really doing?" "Charlie, I really am fine. Dr. Martines conducts the fitness exam next week so I can return to duty. Then there's that gauntlet of fake criminals and civilians. If I pass, I'm back. Charlie, thank you. You stood by me, and I am grateful. What questions, if any, would you like me to answer for you?" "Steve, I agreed to help as a friend. I expect no interview from it, I told you that. I want only to tell my readers that you have finally recovered." "Charlie, I know that you don't expect an interview. This is my idea." "Steve, I will not do a big, splashy, scoop-story. My readers know very well what happened, who did it and why. They know that you've been through hell. A final notice that you are OK is all that they want. They want only to know that their prayers have been answered." "Charlie, I really do appreciate that, but I felt strongly that you deserved the opportunity. You may tell your readers that I am OK, that as soon as the fitness exams are over, I will return to duty." Steve pulled a piece of paper out of his jacket pocket and handed it to Charlie. He continued: "Can you publish this near the column? It's a letter of thanks to your readers." Charlie unfolded the paper and read: "To the readers of Charlie's column: This note is to thank you for all the support you have given me during the aftermath of the kidnapping. That you care as much as you do means more than you can possibly know, and more than I can say. Recovering would have been much harder without you. Again, thank you. I expect to return to duty within a week or two. Sincerely, Steve Sloan." "Steve, I will be happy to print it. Check tomorrow's column." "OK. Bye, and thanks again." ************************************************** With a light heart, Steve spent the weekend working at Bob's and resting. Tuesday morning, Dr. Martines conducted Steve's fitness exam and told him that Captain Herrera would have the report on Wednesday afternoon. Tuesday afternoon, Steve took his other exam. He knew the results immediately: 15 right out of 15. He was nervous on Tuesday night, but his dad, Jesse and Amanda stayed with him. He would know the next day. Wednesday afternoon came and Herrera called him to his office. "Steve, I have the report from Dr. Martines and the score from yesterday." "Well …" "I won't keep you in suspense. She judges you fit for duty. You already know the other score. Welcome back, Lieutenant Sloan. You'll start next Monday, August 26th, day shift for a month to ease you back into things." "Thank you, Captain. Come to Bob's Friday night? We're having a party." "I'll be there." Friday night, the restaurant was closed for a private party. Charlie Clark, Dr. Martines, Holloway and Jones and their families, Mark, Jesse, Amanda, Susan and Captain Herrera and his wife were there. After dinner, Captain Herrera stood up and asked for attention: "Steve, I decided to return these to you tonight: your badge, ID and gun. Use them with pride and dignity. Oh, and I have one more order for you." "Yes, sir?" "Stay the hell out of gas stations." That brought the party to a halt, and the resulting laughter could be heard half way down the block. The celebration broke up after that; when Mark and Steve returned home, they stopped on the stairs and exchanged glances. Their eyes said it all. Then Steve raced up the stairs, flipped on the TV movie channel, and raced into the kitchen for snacks. The Sloan household was finally normal.
THE END
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