Author’s Note:? Thanks as always to the two ladies who are pushed to the limit with my punctuation and grammar.? You are the best!

?Spoilers:? Alienated

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Exorcising A Demon

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Exorcising a Demon

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Two men sat in the truck, in front of a small cabin.? Steve glanced at Jesse to find him hunched over, head bowed and hands clasped tightly in his lap.? His entire demeanor projected fear and misery.? Steve sighed heavily then spoke softly.

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“Jesse.”? He waited for a response, but when none came he spoke a little louder.? “Jess?”

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The head was raised to reveal wet eyes.? The pain they reflected caused Steve to quickly look away out the window, towards the sky, anywhere but at the normally bright, happy face.? He composed himself and turned towards his best friend.? “Jesse, you don’t have to do this.”

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The tentative response from a voice laden with tears nearly broke his heart.? “But, I do, Steve, I have to do this.? I have to face this, find a way to deal with it, or it’s going to destroy me!”? His voice had gotten stronger and been laced with anger as he finished.

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Steve held up a hand.? “Ok, Jesse, I’m just worried.”

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Jesse offered a lopsided smile.? “I know, but it will be ok.? We can’t stay in the truck all day, let’s go in.”

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Steve still wasn’t happy; he had not wanted to make the trip, even though his father and Amanda had thought it was a good idea.? He, on the other hand, had thought they were asking for trouble.? It had been a little less than six months since the horrendous time when Jesse had disappeared.? Steve wasn’t ready for this, so how could Jesse possibly be?? In the end he had been outnumbered and found himself unable to refuse Jesse’s request that he accompany him?? So he found himself opening the door of the truck, retrieving his duffle bag from the back seat and following his best friend towards the cabin where the entire ordeal had begun.

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Jesse paused with his hand on the knob then, after taking a deep breath, he turned it and pushed the door open.? He hesitated at the threshold and looked up at Steve.? “At least I didn’t bring any lite beer this time.”

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The comment had been meant to lighten the moment; it had the exact opposite affect on Steve.? He felt as if he had just received a physical blow.? His feelings over the incident were kept high on his emotional shelf, not out of reach, but it took some effort to get them.? They had branded his soul.? The simple attempt at humor had broken the shelf and the guilt had descended upon him like a bucket of cold water.? He forced a smile for Jesse’s benefit, but he actually felt like dropping to his knees and sobbing.?

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“Good thing for you,” Steve responded.? “You ready to go on in?”

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Steve saw Jesse’s Adam’s Apple bob as he gulped, he then stepped into the cabin, he moved to the center of the room and stood looking around.? It was all familiar, but in a dreamlike way, the radio on the mantle, glimpses of green light in the windows.? It was too much for his already strained system.? Steve saw him sway slightly and dropping his duffle bag he sprung forward barely catching the young man as the emotions overwhelmed him and his knees gave way.? He gently cradled his best friend against his chest before lifting him from the floor and then carefully laying him on the couch.? He knelt down beside him and spoke softly.? “Jess, can you hear me?”? He saw the movement of eyes behind the closed lids, a tongue darted out and moistened lips that had gone suddenly dry.? “Jesse, come on you’re the doctor, I’m the cop, I’m not the right one to be passing out with.? You need Dad or Amanda here for that.”

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The boyish lips curved into a tentative smile.? “I didn’t pass out; I just decided to take a little nap.”

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“Yeah, right, whatever, Travis.? Are you alright?”

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Jesse opened his eyes and found himself under intense scrutiny.? Though Steve’s words had been light, his brow was puckered with worry and his lips were drawn in a tight line.? “Steve, I’m alright, I haven’t been eating or sleeping well lately and it just caught up with me.”

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Steve observed him silently for a moment and knew what Jesse said was true. His friend had always been slight in stature, but he was now painfully thin and had dark circles under his eyes. He had been pretending that everything was normal, it was an act for his friends.? They had known it, but been unsure how to help.? Until Jesse admitted that things weren’t ok, that he wasn’t ok, there was nothing they could do.? Steve offered a half-hearted attempt at a smile. “You just want me to carry the rest of the stuff in, I know your tactics.”

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The smile Jesse offered in return was a mere shadow of its former self.? “Darn, busted again.”

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Steve stood up and just as he reached the door of the cabin he stopped abruptly.? “Jesse, I’m just going to the truck to get the rest of our stuff, I will be right back.”

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It was an ordinary comment, there should have been nothing special about it, but both of the men knew it for what it was.? Steve was clearly saying. “I’m not leaving you again.”

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Jesse nodded his acknowledgement at both the information and the hidden meaning.? “I know, Steve, everything will be fine.”

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………………..

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“Is this what they call roughing it?” Jesse inquired as he took another bite of pizza.

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Steve chuckled he had been pleased that Jesse was eating, even if it was a frozen pizza.? “Yes, it’s out of the freezer not delivery, that means we are roughing it.”

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“Oh, ok, I’m glad you explained that to me.? Where exactly in the campers’ handbook is that information located?”

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Steve laughed again.? The appearance of the old Jesse was encouraging.? He was eating and joking.? Steve felt himself relaxing for the first time since they had left LA.? Maybe this would work out after all.

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………………..

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Steve pushed the button on his watch and scowled at the time the light displayed.? It was now 3am, just fifteen minutes past the last look.? He was lying on the couch, having given Jesse the only bedroom.? Sleep had not yet claimed him and at this rate he doubted if it would.? After a fairly relaxed dinner they had settled down with a beer and that was when things had become awkward.? Jesse, looking pensive, had jumped at every sound.? Steve had over-reacted by investigating each noise.? In the end they had parted ways, Jesse to the bedroom, Steve to the couch.? It was too difficult to be together.? Steve allowed his mind to wander back to the discussion that had brought them here.? They had all been at the beach house eating, or in Steve’s case tolerating his father’s latest food creation.? The meal complete the four friends had settled on the deck, for what in the past had been a peaceful time.? It was not to be the case at this gathering.

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“I want to go back to the cabin,” Jesse voiced quietly.

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Steve had been shocked and had felt a touch of anger.? “Why on earth would you want to do that?”? A gentle squeeze on his arm had swung his attention to his father.

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“Take it easy, Son.”

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“Take it easy?? You heard what he just said,” Steve responded as he jerked a thumb towards Jesse.

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“Steve, that’s enough!”? Mark ordered as he pointedly looked towards Jesse.

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When Steve looked back at his friend he was reminded of a turtle retreating into its shell.? Though small in stature Steve never thought of him that way, his personality seemed to make up for the lack of size, but the figure at the table seemed absolutely tiny, that of a small child.? The face was pale, eyes brimming with unshed tears that threatened to spill over at any moment to glide down cheeks that were gaunt.? His anger cooled instantly. “Jesse, I’m sorry, I just don’t understand, please tell me why.”

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It seemed to be an eternity before Jesse responded.? “Because if I don’t, I will never get over it.”

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“But you are over it; you are back at work....”

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“Am I over it?” Jesse had snapped, his eyes now glittering with something other than tears.? He had paused and taken a deep breath.? “Steve, I don’t remember a lot of what happened, I do however, remember threatening you with a baseball bat and taking a shot at Mark.”

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“Jess, Son, those things weren’t your fault, we know that and besides I’ve wanted to hit Steve with a baseball bat a time or two,” Mark offered with a smile.

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Jesse responded with a genuine but haunted smile.? “I know, Mark, you have all told me that a hundred times and I know you don’t hold it against me, but you see I hold it against me.? You can forgive me, but I can’t forgive myself.”

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Amanda, who had been silent up to that point had joined the conversation. “Jesse, Honey, we will help you in any way we can, and if it means going back to that cabin then that is what we will do.”

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Jesse had turned his sad eyes towards her and offered a grateful smile.? “Thank you, Amanda, and I appreciate the offer, but I would like for Steve to be the one to take me.”

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“Me?? Why me?? I’m not a doctor, I’m a cop!”

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The response had been voiced so quietly that Steve had barely heard it.? “Because, you are my best friend.”? His anger had been deflated in that moment, the discussion had continued but not in Jesse’s presence.?? After he had left Mark, Steve and Amanda’s conversation had at times been heated, but in the end Steve was going to the cabin with Jesse.

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A noise from the bedroom brought him back to the present and he cocked his head slightly.? It had been muffled at first, as he had listened more closely he identified the sound.? Jesse was having a nightmare.? He jumped off the couch and ran to the bedroom, pushed open the door and stopped dead in his tracks.? Jesse lay writhing on the bed, the covers thrown asunder.? In the pale moonlight from the window he could see the sweat staining his brow and the eyes closed tight in agony.? A whimper and a low voiced comment spurred him to action.?

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“Please, don’t hurt me anymore.” Jesse had whispered.

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Steve felt his stomach tighten and he moved and sat on the bed.? The movement of the bed dipping seemed to propel Jesse into action.? He immediately began flailing his arms and legs around.? Steve, caught by surprise, failed to avoid the fist that caught him square in the left eye, he was equally unprepared for the foot that caught in the stomach or the next one that caught him on the right side of the head and sent him reeling off the bed and onto his knees.? Though stunned, the sounds of agony coming from his friend penetrated the fog and he pulled himself up and spoke gently.? “Jesse, Buddy, it’s just a dream.”? Talk about an understatement.? He thought to himself.? It’s the mother of all nightmares.? He risked placing his hands on the young man’s shoulders and winced at the bones he felt protruding through his shirt.? Why didn’t you notice?? You surf with the guy.? His inner voice asked.? Because you didn’t want to see.? The voice responded back.? “Jesse, please wake up for me.”? The struggling slowed then ceased and slowly the eyes opened.

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“Steve?? What’s wrong?”? A clearly confused Jesse had asked.

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“Nothing, you just had a bad dream.”

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Jesse reached a hand up to wipe his brow.? “It’s hot in here,” he said as he pushed himself up and rested his back against the headboard and turned on the light.? It was then that he caught sight of the trickle of blood on the right side of Steve’s face.

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“Steve, what happened to your head?”

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Steve had reached his fingers up and been surprised to feel the sticky wetness.? “I guess I need to work on my reflexes, I didn’t quite dodge your foot.”

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Jesse’s expression was horrified.? “I kicked you! I did that?”

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“Yep, and that,” Steve said as he pointed towards his already swelling left eye, “it should be real pretty by tomorrow morning.”

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“Steve, oh, God, I am so sorry…, he broke off as a sob tore through his body.? He pulled his knees up tightly to his chest and laid his head on the arms he had folded across them.

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Steve watched in pure panic as the slender shoulders began to shake as Jesse was consumed by tears.? Steve had no idea what to do.? He himself was emotionally subdued, you didn’t show them in public, oh anger was ok, it was a manly emotion, but tears and sadness? Those were to be kept private, not to be shared with anyone.? He hesitantly reached a hand and grasped a boney shoulder.?

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“Jess, hey man, it’s alright, no harm done, you know how hard headed I am.”?

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The crying had only intensified; it was as if every bad thing that had happened to the young doctor was now being expelled through these tears.? Sighing deeply Steve had moved up on the bed until he rested against the headboard right beside Jesse.? He then reached an arm around the heaving shoulders and pulled him tightly in to his side.? Much to his surprise Jesse had turned and immediately buried his head into his shoulder, one hand had latched on to the soft fabric of his t-shirt in a death grip.? That was how they had spent the rest of the night.? At some point and time, Steve didn’t know when, the tears had stopped and Jesse had snubbed like a baby before releasing a sigh and snuggling deeper into Steve’s side, dropped off to sleep.

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………………..

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Jesse awoke slowly and wondered at the firmness he felt against his cheek. Had he fallen asleep with his head resting on the floor? What else could account for the hard surface beneath his face? He pushed open heavy eyelids, blinked at the bright sunlight that filled the room and jumped suddenly as he realized exactly what or better yet who his pillow was. He didn’t get to move far as a strong arm pulled him closer and a voice mumbled a female name. Hey, I didn’t know Steve was seeing anyone, why hasn’t he told me? That was soon forgotten as he felt Steve’s breath ruffle the hair on top of his head. “Steve!” Jesse shouted. The resulting reaction was straight out of a slapstick comedy. Steve jumped up on legs that had fallen asleep and refused to support him, he stumbled backwards taking the nightstand and the lamp with him, his backward momentum was finally halted as he ended up sitting in the middle drawer of the dresser, which Jesse had left open the night before. Jesse sat wide eyed on the bed, then silent laughter began to shake his body, soon he was lying on the bed convulsing with mirth. What had been an embarrassing moment had quickly turned into a hilarious one, and it only got worse as Steve attempted to raise himself up and out and the flimsy bottom gave way and deposited him with a thud on the floor. He ended up nearly folded in half his chin almost resting on his knees. Jesse was doubled over as well; from laughter. He practically crawled off the bed and moved to stand in front of Steve.

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“Need some help?” Jesse asked with a giggle. The sight of the always in control Steve Sloan folded like an accordion was a sight to behold. Jesse extended a hand and quickly found it enveloped in a meaty paw. He braced his legs and pulled, while Steve used his free hand to push on the floor, with a great deal of effort he finally popped out of the drawer like a cork from a bottle.

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“What in the hell is wrong with you, Travis, you scared me to death?” Steve growled.

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“I didn’t mean to, but jeez, Steve, you were blowing in my hair!”

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“Was not!”

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“Was too!”

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“Jesse, why would I be blowing in your hair?”

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“I don’t know, maybe for the same reason you had me squished against your side and called me by a woman’s name. By the way, who is Miranda?”

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“None of your business.”

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“Oh, but I disagree, I just took her place in bed, if anyone has a right to know who she is it’s me. Does your dad know her? He hasn’t mentioned anyone.”

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“No, dad has never met her, she has only been at the house a couple of times and he was gone for both of them.”

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“Well obviously you two have been ‘together’,” Jesse suggested with a waggle of his eyebrows.

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“Jesse, it is really none of your business.”

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“Oh, now come on, Steve, your love life is like watching a car race, you know there is going to be a crash you just don’t know when, you can’t keep us out of that.”

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Steve had mumbled something that Jesse was pretty sure disparaged his mother and moved to push by him when he stopped suddenly and grabbed towards the upper part of his right thigh.

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“What’s the matter?” Jesse asked.

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“I don’t know something just poked me, oh man, do not tell me that I got a splinter, I have a cut face, I’m sure I have a black eye and a really lovely bruise on my ribs and now I have a splinter?” As he had turned to continue his tirade he had been brought to an abrupt halt. Jesse stood looking for all the world like the little boy who had just lost his best friend.

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“I’m sorry, Steve, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

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The change in emotions had been so dramatic that Steve was sure his head was swiveling. “Jesse, look it’s no big deal, you were dreaming and I got in the way. So, I have a few bumps and bruises?”

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“I should never have come back here, only bad things happen.”

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“Jesse, this has to stop, you can’t continue to tear yourself up over things you can’t control. You were and are the victim.”

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Jesse stood quietly for a moment before he spoke. “I just don’t know how to stop, I hate feeling this way, but I don’t know what to do about it.”

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Steve sighed. “Jesse, I think it’s pretty obvious I’m not very good at this, but one thing I can guarantee you is that I am your friend and I will be there for you.”

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“Steve, you do more than you know, now how about you get out of my bedroom so that I can get dressed?” Jesse offered with a small smile.

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“Oh, yeah, sure, you protect your modesty, I’ll just stand in the middle of the living room and change!” The comment had earned him a chuckle and the mood lightened once again.

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………………..

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Steve leaned back in his chair and patted his stomach. “That was a great breakfast!”

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Jesse turned incredulous blue eyes on him. “A great breakfast? Steve, whoever told you black was a food group lied. Burned toast, burned eggs and burned bacon. Amazingly I think you came close to burning the coffee.”

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“But you gotta admit it was great!”

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“Uh, no I don’t. I’ll be cooking the rest of our meals.”

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“Ok,” Steve agreed quickly and suddenly found himself under intense scrutiny.

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“You burned everything on purpose.”

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“Would I do that?” Steve responded with a devilish grin.

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“Yes, obviously you would, you ruined perfectly good food.”

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“It wasn’t ruined, I ate it.”

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“No offense, Steve, but you have the pallet of a water buffalo, and I’m thinking the water buffalo might find the comparison insulting.”

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Steve held up his hands. “Hey, I’ve already said you could do the cooking.” He almost but not quite kept the smirk off his face, and it had not gone unnoticed by Jesse.

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“That was your plan all along! You set me up!”

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“Why yes I did young grasshopper,” Steve replied with a smile.

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“That is just dirty and why are you calling me a grasshopper?”

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“Kung Fu.”

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“Kung Fu? What, is that a new item on the menu at the Chinese restaurant?”

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Steve scoffed. “No, it’s a TV show.”

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“From what decade?”

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“Ha, ha, don’t act like you have never seen it.”

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“Steve, if I have seen it, I was lying in my crib and I don’t remember much about it.”

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Steve had offered a patronizing grin, pushed back from the table and quickly changed the subject. “So, what are we doing today?”

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Jesse had hesitated before he answered. “Could we go for a hike? I’d like to see the area around the cabin, and maybe the military reservation where you went and looked for me.”

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“I would imagine the base is still off limits, and we will need to drive. Why would you want to go there?”

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“Because I want to have a clear view of everything that happened, not just to me, but you as well. I have these fleeting memories, it’s like my eyes are out of focus. I can see shapes and images, but no details.”

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Steve had lowered his head to cover the guilt that suddenly filled his own eyes, if he had been less concerned about his petty beer preference none of this would ever have happened. He carefully schooled his features then looked back up. “Sure, Jesse, I’m ready whenever you are.”

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They walked the perimeter of the cabin, and Jesse seemed to be on autopilot, he stopped several times never saying anything. Steve waited patiently during these moments, silently offering his support. After each one Jesse would look up and offer him a smile, it was as if he were resolving things slowly but surely. The two of them had then gotten in the truck and driven to Cedar Lake Military Reservation. They were now approaching the fence line of the base. Each step increased the size of the knot in Steve’s stomach. The memories of his last time here were making it difficult to concentrate. The fear, guilt and anger were all warring for equal time in Steve’s mind. He was so preoccupied he didn’t realize Jesse had stopped again and he nearly ran into him, when he looked he saw they had reached the fence. Jesse had just reached out a tentative hand to touch it when they heard a voice from behind.

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“Hold it right there, don’t even twitch.”

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………………..

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Steve had shifted his body so that it shielded Jesse’s, and had then slowly raised his hands before speaking.? “I’m Lieutenant Steve Sloan with the LAPD.”

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“I remember you, slow learner aren’t you?” The man stated.

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“Have we met?” Steve asked as he carefully glanced over his shoulder.? He saw an Asian guard, and recognized him from his previous trip to the military installation.? The man had thrown his belongings at his feet once he had been released.

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The guard had seen the recognition flash across Steve’s face.? “I see you recognize me, I’m touched.”

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“Don’t be, I always remember the unpleasant people I meet.”

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The smile the man offered was humorless.? He moved forward and bodied Steve up against the truck.? The impact knocked the breath from him, and out of the corner of his eye he could see a frozen Jesse being manhandled in much the same way.? “Hey, take it easy with him!”? His response was the end of a rifle being jammed into his side just under the rib cage.

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“Lieutenant Sloan, you have no authority here, if I were you I would keep my mouth shut,” the man sneered.

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Steve tried to make eye contact with Jesse, to reassure him, but one look told him that for the moment Jesse had checked out.? “Jesse, they won’t hurt you.”? Steve knew he couldn’t be sure of that, but he couldn’t stand the fear that now practically emanated from Jesse.? “Jess, come on stay with me, I need your help.”? The request for help seemed to penetrate the fog and Steve could see the slight changes in his face and body language.? “That’s it, Jess,” Steve pleaded.

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Jesse felt the veil of fear lifting.? When he had heard the voice behind them, he had broken out in a cold sweat; it felt as if his feet had been encased in concrete.? He heard another voice calling his name, but couldn’t seem to respond, when he realized it was Steve asking for help he had fought his way back.? “Steve?”

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Steve had heaved a sigh of relief.? “Welcome back, Buddy.”

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“Well aren’t you two cute,” the man commented snidely.? He then roughly kneed Steve’s legs apart and began a very thorough and excessively brutal body search.? His partner did not seem to possess the same degree of animosity so Jesse had been spared the more unpleasant aspects Steve had endured.? Both men soon found themselves shoved into the back of a Humvee with their hands cuffed behind them.? Steve had leaned across the seat close to Jesse and whispered encouragement.? “Jesse, these guys work for the government, and we have done nothing wrong, we are going to be fine.”

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Jesse had looked at him with a mixture of fear and trust on his face.? “I know, Steve, as long as we are together everything will be fine.”

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Steve felt some of the tension leave his body.? He hadn’t taken the time to really evaluate their current predicament; he had been focused on Jesse.? Now that he had him back his thoughts shifted to what had just happened.? The last time they had taken him into custody he had been climbing the fence, this time all they had done was walk along the fence that protected the property.? They had not trespassed, so he was curious as to their reasons for detaining them and what exactly their intentions were.? He pulled himself back from his thoughts as the vehicle slowed in front of building that he had visited the last time he was here.? His door was opened and as he stepped out he heard a snarl from the other side, as he turned he saw the guard who seemed to be holding a grudge grab Jesse by the collar and yank him out and down to the ground.? Jesse had been unable to catch himself and landed with a thud and a grunt.

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“Jesse!” Steve had shouted and pushed past the other guard and around the back of the Humvee, as he had gotten close to him, he felt a foot clip his ankle and was unable to catch himself as he stumbled and fell into the open door, clipping his head on the frame as he went down.? He lay stunned for a moment until he found himself being grabbed under the arms and lifted back to his feet.? Jesse stood in front of him slightly hunched over as if his stomach hurt.? “Jess?”? His response had been a slight nod, and a brief but encouraging smile had touched his lips.? They found themselves being propelled towards the building.? Once inside they were moved quickly down a bare bright white sterile hallway, and at the end a door was unlocked and both men were unceremoniously shoved inside, unable to stop the momentum they both hit the wall and then slid to the floor.? It had taken them a moment to catch their breath and get a handle on the emotions they were experiencing.? As he had felt himself calming down Jesse had noticed the blood flowing down Steve’s head.

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“Steve, your head, I need to stop the bleeding.”? Jesse had begun to push himself up when he had winced in pain.

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“Jess, take it easy, he bounced you pretty hard off the ground, just sit still, I’m fine, my head doesn’t even hurt.”

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“But, I need to stop the bleeding.”

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“No, you don’t, you need to stay where you are, it’s not a bad cut, it will stop soon.”

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Jesse had peered at him closely and could see that the bleeding appeared to have slowed and was trying to clot.? “Ok, but if it doesn’t stop in a little bit, I will be taking a look at it.”? He had then paused for a moment while he looked around the room.? “Is this where they brought you?”

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“No, I was actually in more of a warehouse area; I never saw this part of the reservation.”

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“Steve, why are we here?? We hadn’t done anything.”

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“Jesse, I don’t know, I had the pleasure of meeting the one guard my last time here, he seems to be even more unpleasant this time around.? The last time I understood why they detained me; I was getting ready to climb the fence.”

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“You were?” Jesse asked quietly.? “To find me?”

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“Yeah, it’s the only area that hadn’t been searched; believe me I wasn’t leaving without checking it out.”

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“But, Steve, you could have been arrested, lost your job, or worse been shot.? I can’t believe you would do something like that.”

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“Jesse, it was no big deal, you are more important to me, Dad and Amanda then anything else.”

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A pleased shy smile covered Jesse’s face.? “I am?”

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The look was almost Steve’s undoing.? It reflected an innocence that he had thought was gone.? Jesse had been changed by his abduction and Steve had feared the young man’s personality had been forever altered, but seeing the look of pleasure spread across his face had given him hope that they could get their Jesse back.? He took a moment to regain his composure and felt anger begin to burn along his spine.? “I should have pushed to learn more about this place and the people who work here.”

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“Did you ever find out who any of them where?”

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“Nope, since officially Cedar Lake Military Reservation doesn’t exist I was unable to find names for any of them.”

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“What are we going to do, Steve?”

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“I think they only want to make a point, we aren’t in any real danger, just don’t give them a reason to exercise their authority.”

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Jesse had smiled; a genuine smile; that warmed Steve.? “I don’t think I’m the one that’s going to have a problem not making them angry.”

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Steve had smiled in return.? “I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.”

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“Good, cause, I don’t think I could do this by myself.”

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Though he knew Jesse meant nothing by it, the comment had still cut through Steve like a knife.? “You won’t be by yourself Jesse.”

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There had been a brief moment of silence before Jesse spoke again.? “Hey, Steve, these handcuffs are pretty uncomfortable, no wonder most of the people you arrest are so angry.”

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Steve had chuckled as he answered.? “Jesse, most of them are looking at some serious jail time for murder, the cuffs are the least of their worries.

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They shared a brief laugh; that halted as the sound of a key being inserted in the door had caught their attention.? When the door swung open, Steve saw the face of the government agent that had been in charge during his last visit.

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“Lieutenant Sloan, looking for another lost friend?”

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“No.” Steve had replied tersely.

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“Then why, pray tell, would you be back on restricted property?”

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“We weren’t on restricted property; we were walking towards the fence.? You have some over zealous guards who obviously can’t tell the difference.”

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“Steve, easy.” Jesse had whispered quietly.

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“Well, Lieutenant Sloan; that is where you are wrong, I am in total control and I am the one who decides what is restricted and what isn’t. ?Now, I think you and I need to have a little chat in private.”

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Steve had turned and seen the look of panic descend on Jesse’s face.? “No, anything you need to say to me can be said in front of Jesse.”

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“Again, Lieutenant Sloan, I make the rules.? Gentlemen,” he said as he motioned towards the guards.? “Help Lieutenant Sloan up.”

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Jesse had turned fearful watering eyes towards him.? “Steve, no, please don’t.”

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Steve had fought the men as they dragged him to his feet, the Asian guard had quickly grown tired of the struggle and had motioned for the other guard to step away, he had then released his hold and placed his stun gun against Steve’s side and applied a jolt.? Steve had immediately gone limp as his muscles failed him.? He heard Jesse scream his name and then the door close behind him.

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As Jesse watched the events transpire he felt the anxiety overwhelming him, as Steve had struggled he had felt torn, he wanted him to stop because he didn’t want to see him hurt, but he also didn’t know if he could stand to be alone.? As he watched them drag the limp body of his friend out the door and heard the lock clicking into place he drew himself up into a tight knot and allowed the tears of despair to overwhelm him.

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………………..

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When Steve fully regained his senses, he looked around and realized he was in the same room he had been questioned in during his previous visit.? The same stern faced man stood in the middle of the room beside a table that held both he and Jesse’s belongings.

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“Lieutenant Sloan, why are you here?”

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“You need to get someone to write you some new questions.” Steve answered sarcastically.? He felt the point of a rifle settle against his shoulder.? He turned his head slightly and found the smiling face of his favorite guard.? “Don’t you get to take any breaks?”? His response had been increased pressure applied to his shoulder.

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“Again, Lieutenant Sloan, why are you here?”

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“I came with my friend, the one I was looking for the last time.”

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“Well, you seem to have found him, so why are you here?”

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Steve sighed and looked down at the floor.? The strain from the handcuffs caused his hands and arms to ache, and he was worried about Jesse.? “My friend went through a really rough ordeal, he is trying to come to terms with what happened…”

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The government agent interrupted him.? “He was never here; you know that, you aren’t making sense.”

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“Look, I know this may be hard for you to understand, it deals with human emotions,” he paused as the rifle bounced against his shoulder again.? “But, my friend is just seeking some closure.”? He stopped talking as another guard approached the agent and whispered in his ear.? The agent had nodded and then stared intently at Steve.

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“We are done; if you ever come back again I will make sure you spend the rest of your life in a federal penitentiary.? Do I make myself clear?”

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“Yes, perfectly,” Steve had responded sarcastically.

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“Good, I am going to remove your cuffs, it seems you friend has experienced a problem and we need your help.”

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Steve had bolted out of his chair.? “What have you done to him?” He had then rushed the man, only to find himself brought up short by hands on his arms.

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“We have done nothing, he was left alone and it appears that in an attempt to free himself from the room, he has suffered some minor injuries, he also is non-responsive.”

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Steve was seething, straining against the hands that held him.? He shook his shoulders in an effort to free himself.? “Let me go!”

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The agent had nodded at the guard who had quickly unlocked his cuffs.? Steve pushed the men on either side away and again moved towards the agent.? When their noses were practically touching he had begun speaking, his spittle spraying the man’s face.? “If my friend isn’t alright, the next visit I pay you won’t be here, I will find your home and make you sorry you ever met me, take me to him NOW!”

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The man just stepped aside and motioned towards a door to the left.? “The guard will take you to him.”

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………………..

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When Steve had been drug from the room, Jesse had folded into himself.? The walls of the room began collapsing around him.? When the green light had appeared under the door he knew he could not allow them to take him again.? After pushing himself upright he had begun flinging himself against the door, the walls, anywhere he thought might get him out of the room.? Oblivious to the injuries he was inflicting on himself, he continued his assault against the room until fatigue and pain brought him to his knees.? He felt the cloud descending over his mind and the numbness consuming his limbs, he ceased his fighting and fell to his side and curled into the fetal position.? His mind had then begun a slow replay of the events that had happened over six months ago.? The memories flooded like water released from behind a dam.? Everything was clear and concise.? Walking through the cabin door, Steve leaving him, the shaking of the windows and the green light that had haunted him since.? Waking up cold, battered and alone, so alone.? Screaming for Steve until his throat ached, then the men who had pinned him to the wall and jabbed the needle into a vein in his neck.? The liquid in the needle had flooded him with a white hot heat that had been followed immediately with excruciating pain.? He had struggled to break free and had been rewarded with punches to the face and stomach.? His captors had then dropped him in a quivering heap and he had curled into the very same fetal position he was now in.? The scenario had played out many times over the next five days.? He didn’t know at the time how long he was held, Steve had told him at the hospital.? For Jesse it had felt like five years.? The last vision his mind evoked was the most heartbreaking, the physical discomfort paled in comparison.? It was the final blow to his fragile hold on reality.? He saw himself denouncing his friends, no they were more than friends; they were his family.? The final heartbreaking straw was the anger and hate he felt towards Mark, Amanda and Steve, they had won, because turning him against his friends was worse than losing his own life with and with this last vivid recollection his mind promptly shut down.

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………………..

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The first thing Steve noticed when he walked into the room was the blood stains all over the walls, it wasn’t a large quantity, but it was everywhere.? His eyes had then found the small bundle in the corner.? A sound that was a cross between a sob and a gasp escaped him as he rushed across and dropped to his knees.? “Jesse?” He reached a shaking hand and squeezed his friends shoulder.? The trembling he felt there seemed to penetrate his entire body.? “Come on, Jess, we are going to get out of here.”? He had then turned to look at the guard behind him.? “Get these cuffs off him now! I want a stretcher to carry him on, and I want it all five minutes ago!”? One guard had moved forward with a key while the other had left the room quickly.? Steve was now rubbing Jesse shoulder and offering words of comfort.? Once the cuffs were off he had rolled him on his back.? “Jesse, come on buddy, it’s me, Steve.”? After an extended time of talking that had left his mouth dry Steve, had begun to give up hope of reaching Jesse.? He had talked about his dad, Amanda and CJ without even the slightest reaction.? His level of desperation rising he had dropped his head and mumbled, “Jess, please, I don’t know what else to do; I can’t do this by myself.”? Unknowingly he had virtually echoed Jesse’s plea to him before their journey had begun. Eyelids flickered and a ghost of a frown flitted across his face.? “That’s it,” Steve encouraged.? Again more reaction; and the eyes opened.?

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“You left me,” Jesse whispered weakly.

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Steve felt his stomach drop to his knees.? Once again he had failed Jesse.

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“I’m sorry Jesse, I….,” he had stopped because he really had no idea what to say.

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“I don’t feel well,” Jesse had whispered.

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“I know; we are getting out of here.? Where is that stretcher?” Steve barked.

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“Right here,” responded a guard.

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“No!”? Jesse had shouted as he made a weak effort to rise.? “I don’t want their help, I will walk out of here!”

?

“Jesse, you are in no condition….”

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“Steve, I need to do this, please just help me.” Jesse pleaded.? He knew that Steve had no idea that the thought of the stretcher had sparked another memory, one of being tossed roughly upon one and then being thrown onto the hard, hot ground of a Utah desert.? If he closed his eyes he knew he would once again feel the sand grinding into his wounds.

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Though not understanding Jesse’s reluctance Steve had nodded and placed a hand under his best friend’s arm. It took some effort on both their parts, but Jesse was soon standing upright, although a good portion of his body weight was being supported by Steve.

?

“One step at a time, ok?” Steve instructed.

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Jesse had offered a small smile.? “Yes, one step at a time, is one step more away from here.”

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It had seemed an eternity till they reached the area where they had left the truck, once again Steve found himself retrieving his belongings off the ground where they had been tossed by the guard who had released them.? This time though Steve had offered some parting words.? “If you ever find yourself in LA, look me up, I’ll treat you to the same hospitality you have shown us.”

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“Lieutenant, I may just take you up on that, I would love to teach you some manners.”

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“I look forward to it,” Steve growled.? “Come on, Jesse, let’s get the hell out of here.”

?

Jesse had stumbled slightly and if not for the strong arm that quickly circled his waist he might have fallen.? Steve secured him in the passenger seat of the truck and then climbed in himself.? “We’ll stop by the cabin and pick up our stuff, then I’ll get you to Community General.”

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“No,” Jesse stated quietly.

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“What do you mean no?”

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“Just what I said, no, if I leave now, I may never get the courage to come back.? I need to finish this.”

?

“Jesse, you need to see a doctor.”

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Jesse had smiled.? “Well then I’ll look in a mirror.”

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“Ha, ha, you know what I mean.”

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“Yes, I do, but please just help me do this.”

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Steve had sat gripping the steering wheel, his jaw clenching and unclenching.? “You do realize that Dad and Amanda are going to kill me.”

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“Nah, I won’t let them, they know you are scared of me,” Jesse had offered with a giggle.? “Now take me back to the cabin.”

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The smile that Steve had offered in return was hesitant and hopeful.? All he knew was that once again he had allowed his friend to be hurt.? This trip which had been meant to resolve issues had only seemed to create more.? He knew his emotions were as raw today as they had been that day Jesse was wheeled into the hospital.? The small weak voice seemed to echo through his head.? You left me.

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………………..

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The trip back to the cabin had been a silent one.? Neither man seemed to know what to say.? Each had been throwing covert glances at the other and both were unhappy with what they saw.? When Steve looked at Jesse, he saw the pale complexion that was marred with small cuts and bruises.? The fatigue and pain were clearly evident.? When Jesse looked at Steve he saw the lines of stress around his eyes and mouth.? His very demeanor spoke of a bone deep weariness.? Of course neither one of them said anything to the other.? Steve was too consumed with guilt and Jesse was just trying to get back to the point prior to them being apprehended at the base.? He had felt like he was on the verge of coming to terms with what had happened.?

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When they had been walking in the woods around the cabin he had experienced vague recollections of the events of that night.? Muted voices and shadowy faces had become clearer as he had traveled the area.? He hadn’t told Steve yet, but when he had been left alone, the horrifying flashbacks had actually helped him add some more pieces to a puzzle that was rapidly on its way to completion.? The sheer terror of thinking it was happening again had given his mind an odd clarity; he remembered the trek through the woods, supported by two men, the helicopter he had been loaded on to. The same vehicle that he figured had been used to give the impression of a UFO.? The building in a desolate area in Utah where he had been drugged and beaten and been subjected to psychological torture as well.?

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Jesse had never understood why he felt it so easy to believe that the people he cared the most about were enemies.? The memories of how that was used him against hurt more now than any physical discomfort.? They had used the images of Mark, Amanda and Steve in conjunction with drugs and physical pain to totally break him, make him think that he could trust no one, and it had worked.? The doubts and insecurities that had haunted him his entire life had been brought to the forefront of his psyche.? His parents had never encouraged or supported him; therefore he had suffered from a lack of self confidence, until he met Mark Sloan and through him Amanda and Steve.? His life had been altered forever.? They had welcomed him with open arms and under their unconditional acceptance he had blossomed into one of the finest ER doctors in Los Angeles, an accomplishment that he could acknowledge and be proud of.? He had become so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t realized they were back at the cabin.? He turned startled eyes towards Steve and immediately wondered how they had gotten there.? He also seemed to be unaware they had arrived at their destination, he sat with his hands clinched on the steering wheel and had not even turned the truck off.? Jesse reached a hand towards him and rested it lightly on the taut forearm of his best friend.? “Steve, we’re here.”

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After a brief pause, Steve had turned and looked at him.? “Yeah, we are, aren’t we?” He had then shut off the truck, unbuckled his seat belt, opened the door and stepped out of the truck.? In a move that had surprised Jesse he had continued on in to the cabin without even offering to help him.? His brow crinkled in concern, Jesse had quickly followed him in.? He found Steve crouched in front of the fireplace preparing to light it.? “Steve?”

?

“What?” He had responded without even looking up.

?

“Are you alright?”

?

Steve had turned to stare at him with an incredulous look on his face.? “Am I alright?? Jesse, this isn’t about me, I’m fine!”

?

“But see, that’s where you are wrong, I have been so caught up in myself that I never took into account how this had affected you.”

?

“Jesse, nothing happened to me.”

?

“Yes, it did, even though you either don’t see it or won’t admit it.”

?

“All I need is a good night’s sleep,” Steve said.

?

Jesse had sighed and dipped his head.? Steve Sloan was about as stubborn as they came and he had a sometimes irritating habit of repressing his feelings.? “Steve, I know I haven’t been a very good friend ….”? He had stopped when he had been abruptly interrupted.

?

“Stop it, Jesse,” Steve’s voice had reflected his irritation.

?

“I can’t, Steve, what you don’t know is that this trip has been a success.”

?

“How do you call being detained and you slipping into a catatonic state a success?”

?

“Steve, it was really strange, after they took you away, I panicked and had flashbacks, I saw the green light again.”? He had stopped when Steve had dropped his head into his hands.? He took a step forward but then paused. He has thought to comfort Steve, but then reconsidered.? Physical contact right now would only make things worse, so he had instead moved to the couch and sat down.? After a moment Steve had stood up and made his way to the chair closest to the couch and sat as well.

?

“Steve, for some odd reason everything became clear, I remember what happened, here at the cabin and in Utah.”

?

“Everything?” Steve had asked.

?

“Yes,” Jesse’s voice had faltered slightly.

?

“I’m sorry,” Steve had offered.

?

“Don’t be sorry, Steve, I would rather know what happened, because now I can deal with it, I think that is why I was having such a hard time with things.? Not knowing allowed my mind to create all kinds of scenarios and as bad as it was, the things that my mind was making up were ten times worse.”

?

Steve had looked at him intently for a moment before he responded.? “So you’re saying that you are alright?”

?

“No, not yet, but I can get there, with the help of my friends,” Jesse responded with a smile.? “Now, I want to help a friend.”

?

Steve had looked perplexed.? “I don’t understand?”

?

“Jeez, Steve, I think one too many concussions have adversely affected you.? I remember the hospital as well; you looked like you had been punched in the stomach.”

?

“Jesse, I think you need some sleep and I know you need medical care, you aren’t making sense.”

?

Jesse had interlocked his fingers and rested his elbows on his legs before softly speaking.? “You left me.”

?

Steve’s head and body had jerked as if a stream of electric current had just run through his body.? “I, uh, I don’t know what to say.”

?

“That’s just it, there is nothing to say, you did nothing wrong.”

?

Steve hadn’t answered immediately; he had suddenly become fascinated with the pattern in the throw rug on the floor.? When he had made eye contact again the torment Jesse had seen reflected in the normally placid eyes was overwhelming.? “Jesse, the very nature of my job, of who I am, means I am supposed to protect people, and I failed to do that with one of the most important people in my life.”

?

“Steve, do you know how grateful I am that you weren’t there?? You would have fought them and who knows what would have happened.”

?

“But, at least you wouldn’t have been alone.”

?

“How do you know that?? Who’s to say they wouldn’t have killed you?? I would much rather have not been with you for five days than to have lost you for the rest of my life!”

?

Steve sat considering the young man in front of him.? His best friend, the little brother he had always wanted.? He radiated sincerity, optimism and an openness that Steve envied.? “Jesse, I just don’t know, I am used to being in control, of knowing what to do.”

?

“That’s why we need to do this together, we need each other, I, don’t blame you for any of this.? Please stop blaming yourself.? If you don’t then you will succeed where Paris Pharmaceuticals failed, you will destroy me.”

?

“Jesse, don’t say that, you know I will do whatever you need me to do.”

?

Jesse had smiled.? “Then please, forgive yourself, I can’t forgive you because I never blamed you.”

?

The room had descended in silence that was broken by the sound of Steve’s cell phone ringing.? “Sloan, here.? Oh, hi, Dad,” he paused as his father spoke, his eyes holding Jesse’s.? “No, we’re fine, both of us,” Steve had smiled at Jesse as he spoke. “I think we are both on our way to exorcising a demon.”

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THE END

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